Thursday, February 3, 2011

What Does Your Chalkboard Say?

I called U of I yesterday to check on our third embryo....it didn't make it to freezing.  I was sad but I didn't cry. I'm not sure if I held it together because I know I have two embryos inside of me still growing away or because I'm pretty sure we will do another fresh cycle if this one doesn't work.  I did question that if #3 didn't make it why would the 2 inside of me? Steve reassured me that my baby palace is a much better place for embryos to grow than the lab.  It made me feel better.

My Circle + Bloom Meditation last night was a good one so I want to share it in case it might help any of my infertile friends out there. 

I was asked to picture a chalkboard and on this chalkboard I had to write all of my negative thoughts I was feeling about this cycle or about infertility in general. The narrator explains that none of my negative thoughts can hurt the growing embryos but the stress of holding these thoughts inside without letting them go can.  Makes sense I suppose.

Here is what my list looked like...
*  I'm not going to get pregnant this cycle.
*  I'm never going to be a mom.
*  Why can't I get pregnant?
*  It's my fault we can't have a baby.
*  Am I being punished?

I know some of these sound so dramatic...and they are- but sometimes, at my worst, that's how it feels inside my head.  And if you've never been through infertility then you have no idea how terrible it feels.

So after writing all of my negative thoughts on the chalkboard the narrator tells me I can either keep them there or erase them and let them go.  I erased...and it felt good.  It might sound silly but a huge weight was lifted and I felt much less negative and stressed about the unknown. 

Go write on your chalkboards....and then erase!


Bridget

P.S.  I still haven't decided if I'm going to POAS or wait for my beta.  I'd love to know if any of you did and how long you waited?  And were you glad you did?  I don't want to get my hopes up with a false positive or go into depression over a false negative.  What to do??

11 comments:

  1. that is a great reflection!

    i didn't poas (i was afraid of negatives), i started spotting the day before our ivf beta, so i knew what to expect...

    praying your ivf outcome is totally different than mine was!

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  2. I loved that C+B session too, one of my favorites for sure!

    Sorry to hear about your third embryo...but hubby is right. Your uterus is a much better place than a lab.

    As for testing, I've experienced both (although still no baby...go figure). My first BFP was found out through a beta test at 17 dpo (no idea how I lasted that long) I got the call from the clinic at work. Although it was fun to surprise my husband when we got home, I don't know..I was alone at work sitting there with the news and I just wanted to leave!

    The second time, I POAS at 5am, and then came running into our bedroom yelling for him to wake up. We just laid there together for another hour, absorbing the news. To me, that was more special because it was just us. We were the only ones in the world who knew we were pregnant. Kinda cool.

    So anyways, it's totally up to you! I can understand wanting the accuracy of a beta. But, if you wait a decent amount of time, I wouldn't worry too much about false positives. I waited until 12dpo to test...(easier said than done, I know!)

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you! xo

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  3. I loved that C+B session too! As for testing, I was glad I did...it helped to ease my mind a little. I got a positive, so I'm not sure what the experience would have been if I hadn't got a positive, though.

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  4. That sounds like a great meditation. Glad it helped you feel more positive. I have no experience but what I think is that I would like us together to be the ones that get the news first. Do as you feel is best when time comes.

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  5. Sorry about your third but keep positive thoughts for your two babies in you-grow grow grow! Love the chalkboard idea, thanks for sharing. I didn't POAS because if it was a negative, I didn't want to relive it twice when I did the Beta too!

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  6. Sorry to hear about embryo #3

    Sounds like C+B is very helpful for you.

    As for POAS, I am usually a tester (cheapo internet tests only) but this cycle I refuse to test, I will just wait for my period to start. I ovulated on Monday so I'm in my TWW. I won't test unless it is 17 DPO and AF is still a no show.

    I never thought about it, how many days after transfer do they put the first Beta? If you transferred on the 30th, then 13 days for you?

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  7. thanks for sharing this, what a great analogy.

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  8. I love the 'baby palace' and he is soooo right!!! Those thoughts listed are the same as mine, the only I'd add that floats through my mind 'why am I broken'??
    I did test and crashed when I saw the negative...it was like 9-10 days after a day 3 transfer....next time, the tests will NOT be in the house!

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  9. Yeaaaaah you know I didn't wait to POAS. I have no advice other than do what makes you feel most comfortable.
    What socks did you wear to your transfer? I'm so curious!

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  10. Pretty sure I'll be POAS on Sunday- the wait is killing me and making me one grouchy bitch. Christa- I ended up wearing some heart socks that my sister gave me, do you want me to send yours back to you? I appreciate you sending them!!

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  11. Hi - I love that exercise. Just curious if you like the Circle and Bloom CDs? I am thinking about purchasing...

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I would love to hear what you have to say!