postpartum depression

I wasn't sure if I would write about this.  But then I thought, maybe it will help me, maybe it will help someone else, so here I am writing.

It's no surprise that the weeks after Gavin's birth were traumatic. Worrying if he would be healthy and the long drive back and forth from Children's everyday definitely took a toll on me.  And after he came home it was really hard to manage his needs and Emily's needs while trying to stay calm.  But I held it together the best I could, I didn't feel depressed just a little overwhelmed, I was basically running on adrenaline.

Two weeks ago, out of the blue, I had a full blown panic attack.  I felt like I was going insane, I couldn't breathe, I was vomiting, sweating, shaking uncontrollably- the thoughts in my head were beyond scary.  Panic attacks are something that I don't think can be fully understood unless you've experienced one.  I thought it was just a one time thing but the next night the same thing happened. Steve took me to the ER so that I could get medication to calm down.  They gave me anxiety medication and a phone number to a local behavioral health office.  I got an appointment the next week and was put on an anti-depressant.  I'm still taking the medication and I don't feel like myself yet, but I'm working on it.  

When I call the office and say I feel worse or I'm having a particularly hard day, my doctor tells me that it takes 4-6 weeks for the medications to work and that it will get worse before it gets better.  Somehow these words aren't comforting when I wake up with anxiety almost every morning and I am barely able to take care of my babies.

What I'm doing to get better:

-  Surrounding myself with (amazing) people who care and want to help.  Steve has been working from home and helping me with the kids, he is a special kind of husband for sure.  I know I won the lottery when I found him.  His parents have also been beyond helpful.  They take the kids when they know we need a break, they even keep Gavin overnight when we need them to. I can't thank them enough.

-  Therapy (professional and otherwise).  I've been going to therapy once a week and it helps. My therapist has basically told me that I went through a serious trauma and all of my emotions that I had shut down while Gavin was in the hospital are catching up to me now. It also helps so much to talk to friends and family who have been through similar situations.  Their pep talks usually leave me feeling like I can handle almost anything.

-  Daycare.  Emily has started going to day care 3 times a week.  This is very hard for me.  I'm learning to let go of some control and I'm telling myself this is good for her and for me. 

-  Acupuncture and Reiki.  I have always been a fan of acupuncture, it has worked for me in many ways, so I'm trying it for my anxiety.  I had my first treatment this weekend and I felt so great afterward.  I go for my first Reiki treatment on Tuesday and I am excited to try it.

-  Walking,  Every day I try to get out for a walk.  It calms my mind and it's always good to breathe in the fresh air.

The hardest thing I face everyday is the guilt I feel.  I feel guilty that Steve is working from home and not getting as much done as he needs to.  I feel guilty that I can't take care of my babies like I used to be able to.  I feel guilty that Steve's parents have to help as much as they do, and I feel guilty that Emily is at daycare while I am home, not working. 

Some days I feel hopeless and I feel like a burden on my family and I feel like I should be stronger than this.  But I am trying my hardest to be positive and hopeful.  I want so badly to feel like myself again and to be able to be a good wife and mother.  

I just keep telling myself I will get better....for them.

March Madness (not the basketball kind)

Well blogging is not high on the priority list lately, even though I miss it and wish I could do it more often....kind of like showering but- 2 kids under 2.

So, here's a photo dump post of everything we did in March- enjoy!  Let me just point out my lack of real clothing or having my hair done is my new normal because- 2 kids under 2.

My birthday- isn't it crazy the older you get the harder it is to remember what birthday you are celebrating?  We ate cake and it was fantastic.

nice hair

Snow days and spring-ish days in the same week

St. Patrick's Day-  no green beer this year but two cuties in green definitely made up for that.

This is what it's like trying to get a picture with both kids....too funny not to share. 
Emily's face says it all.

Gavin is 2 months old (already?!)  he is the best baby, I can't complain.  He is a big boy and loves to eat, he's sleeping pretty well- some days are better than others, and he loves cuddling.  I need to do a whole post on this but that might not happen for awhile.

Miss Emily is 17 months and she's still as funny & feisty as ever. Girlfriend is tall, 34.5 inches and she's starting to say a few words.  She's obsessed with Mickey Mouse and her books.  She's warming up to Gavin and I love watching it.

And here are some of my random favorites from this month

thank you, thank you, thank you

I have some of the best friends I've never met.  Seriously.  You guys are amazing.

I wish there was a way for me to thank each and every one of you in person. Wouldn't that be the best?

I know I have said it before, but this community is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I have "met" some wonderful people, even some true friends that I talk to almost daily.  You all have been here with me for the ups and downs and this time you have outdone yourselves. 

I came home one day after visiting Gavin and I was having a really hard time.  It was one of the rougher days I had been through in our time there.  Gavin had just had surgery, I couldn't hold him, I hadn't seen his eyes since he was born, and I felt helpless and scared.  When I got home, there was a package from my sweet friend Kelly.  I read her card and saw all the goodies she had sent us and I smiled for the first time in days. 

And the next day there was another package from Heather and the next day, from Liz.  And the packages kept coming.  Almost every single day.  It was like getting a huge hug every time I opened one.

The cards had such great words of encouragement.  And the packages had wonderful, thoughtful things inside for me & Steve, for Emily, and for Gavin. 

And Steve said each time, "Is that from another blogger?"  And the answer was always, "Yes."

I later found out that Kelly and Heather had orchestrated this whole thing.  I love you both, you know that, this was such a special thing you did and I will never forget it. Ever.

It is wonderful that so many of you took the time out of your day to think of us, put a package together and send it all this way.  Steve, Emily, Gavin and I honestly can't thank you enough for everything!

Heather
Kelly
Fiona
Steph
Kalyn
Liz
Courtney
Josey
Shannon
Sarah
Jen
Amanda
Oak

We also received a beautiful angel for Gavin and a stuffed animal for Emily from this amazing group of gals.  The angel was delivered to Gavin's room one of the first nights we were there and stayed with him until he came home.  Thank you so much girls, I love you all!

Natalie
Oak
BU
Kelly
E
Amanda

Gavin- 1 month, Emily- 16 months

I am so behind, I think that is going to be my most used phrase this year...

We are still getting packages from you wonderful bloggers and I will get a thank you post out very soon (or as soon as I have more than 2 minutes alone).

First, I need to get this post up before another month goes by.

On February 23rd Gavin turned one month old and it blows.my.mind.

 

He is such a good baby, calm and cuddly.  He is sleeping about 3 hours between feedings at night and eats about every 2-2.5 hours during the day.  He is already in 3 month clothes because he is so long!

Gavin had his check up with his surgeon at Children's last week and he is doing so well!  11 pounds and 22.5 inches long.  There are still things we have to watch out for and we really have to be careful that he doesn't get sick during this flu season, but other than that he is just like any other baby.  We are so thankful.


And, on February 25th Emily turned 16 months!

This is the month of the tantrum.  They come on fast and without warning- if I'm holding Gavin and she wants my full attention, or she wants something and I don't know what she is trying to tell me, or just for no reason at all (at least that's how it seems).  I am hoping this phase goes by quickly, it is tiring, let me tell ya. 

When she's not throwing a full on fit, she is so funny and is learning like crazy!  She still loves going to kindermusik and she looooves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse (obsessed is probably a more accurate description).  She is a great eater and is still taking two naps and sleeping about 10 hours at night.  We have tried going down to one nap and it is not pretty.  She's just not ready yet.

Her hair is getting long and it's beautiful!  She is TALL and is often mistaken for older when we are out and about. 

Having two kids is probably the hardest thing I've done in my life, but we are working our way through it and we are SO grateful to have these two amazing babies in our lives.

Home Sweet Home

Gavin got to come home on Monday, February 4th and we could not be happier.  Our prayers were answered and our family of four is finally under one roof.  Gavin has been doing so well- he is gaining weight and when we took him to the pediatrician he said, "You'd never know anything was wrong with him if you didn't see his scars". 

Emily has been doing a great job with this huge change in her life.  We have been trying really hard to give her lots of attention and having Steve home with us this week has been good for her to make the transition.  There have been a couple of tantrums and trying to climb on my lap and on top of Gavin while I'm feeding him but for the most part, she has been gentle with him.  We talked a lot about him before he was born and we have read 'I'm a Big Sister' a million times, she loves it.  We let her help get diapers, pacifiers, burp cloths and she thinks helping is so much fun.  If you ask me how she's doing next week, I might have a different answer...

 

Because, next week Steve goes back to work and I.am.nervous.  Thankfully, I won't be completely on my own, I will have help from Grandma or Grandpa at lunch time and a couple of mornings a week. This is  going to be a HUGE help and we really can't thank them enough for taking time our of their busy schedules to lend a hand.

I have so many of you to thank for care packages, gifts, & cards- it will need to be it's own post.  I will just say- we have been blown away by the showing of support from so many people.  We are so blessed to have so many great friends & family, thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

1 week

Gavin's birth day

Gavin is one week old today.  I can't wrap my head around it.  Maybe because he was rushed to Children's so quickly after birth, maybe because we didn't get the bonding time that you normally get with your newborn, or maybe because so much has happened in this week?  It's probably a combination of these things, but I don't feel like a week has gone by since he was born.

We tried nursing today and it went ok, just not as well as I wanted it to go.  He latched a few times which was great, but he didn't stay latched long.  I felt awkward trying to hold him- I didn't want to hurt his incisions, I was worried about all the cords still attached to him, and I kept looking up at the oxygen levels on his monitor.  Then the nurse told me he didn't have a wet diaper in the couple of hours after nursing so of course, I worried he didn't get enough milk.

I think everything is starting to catch up to me, physically and emotionally.  I have been in a sort of survival mode and now that Gavin is out of danger the physical stress of not resting or recovering after his birth and the emotional stresses we have been through are all coming to the surface.

I am just so thankful that these are the things I am dealing with when I know this could have been much, much worse. 

Gavin Dean's birth story part II

This is where Gavin's story takes a turn.

A few hours after delivery, we decided to let the nurse take Gavin to the nursery for a bath and his hearing test while we were being transferred to the postpartum wing. We were getting settled and a NICU doctor came in to our room. She started talking about Gavin having trouble breathing and needing a chest x-ray. I was thinking to myself, this lady has to have the wrong room or something, she couldn't be talking about Gavin. But she was. My sweet baby boy was having trouble breathing and thankfully, the nurse in the nursery caught it and called the NICU to come take a look at him.

The doctor explained to us that it might be pneumonia. They took him for an x-ray and when the doctor returned the news was much worse than we expected. They had discovered that Gavin had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. It was explained to us that he had a hole in his diaphragm and his intestines had gone through that hole into his chest cavity, pushing his heart and lungs to the right side of his chest. The doctor then told us that Gavin was being transferred to Children's Hospital right away and that he would need surgery. 

I was able to get my midwife to discharge me from the hospital so that we could be with Gavin at Children's.  Many of the details are blurry to me, I was running on adrenaline and had been up for over 40 hours.  I honestly don't remember a lot from the first couple of days that Gavin was there.  .  We spoke to a lot of doctors and everything was explained to us.  His condition is very serious and there are many babies who don't survive this birth defect. 

Gavin's amazing team at Children's

Gavin's main doctor at Children's told us that he needed to be stable on the ventilator for 24-48 hours before they would consider doing surgery.  Of course, our tough little guy was stable pretty quickly and was even trying to breath over the ventilator.  They decided he was strong enough for surgery on the 25th.  The surgery took about 4 hours and he was very sedated afterwards.  The surgeons said he did very well during surgery and they were able to put his intestines back in place and repair his diaphragm laparoscopically.  They also told us that his left lung was a good size which was a relief to hear!

Gavin and Daddy after surgery

Gavin had his ventilator removed on the 27th and has been doing great without it.  He can cry now, although he doesn't very often.  He still has some oxygen support that they are weaning slowly.  Today he got to have pedialite through a feeding tube and hopefully tomorrow he will get to start breastmilk from the tube, then a bottle, and then we can hopefully try nursing.  It is going to be a process for him to learn to eat since he hasn't had to swallow or suck for food since his first nursing right after he was born. 

the first time I had seen his eyes since he was born

Today I got to hold him for the first time since he was born, I can't tell you the happiness and peace I felt having him in my arms.  We are hoping that his chest tube is able to be removed tomorrow as well as his arterial line.  After that, he only has a line into his belly button that will probably be the last thing to go.  We were told that he would be staying at Children's for 3-4 weeks.

Things have been hectic and days are running together, but we are beyond grateful that Gavin made it through a very scary diagnosis and surgery.  He has shown us how strong he is and we are so proud of him.  I am also proud of Emily and how well she has adjusted to not having her mom and dad with her all the time.  Steve and I are making every effort to have dinner and put her to bed together every night and I think this has helped a lot.  Steve's parents have been watching her during the day and she is loving every minute of the extra attention.