Not a lot to say...

I feel like I don't have anything to blog about lately.  There should really be a word for the waiting period between getting your BFP and whatever the point is where you feel like everything is going to be ok.  I've been reading all of your posts and my heart goes out to a few of my bloggie friends who are going through some very rough and emotional stuff right now.  I'm also so happy for a couple of you who have gotten your BFP's after IVF or IUI. 

Yesterday wasn't a great day. I woke up feeling light headed and nauseous and it continued most of the day. I spent the whole day on the couch and I had a couple of crying spells (unrelated to IF). Of course, Steve and my sister N always know what to say to make me feel a little better, thank God for them.

I'm so terrified nervous about Wednesday's ultrasound.  I told Steve this is either going to be the best birthday I've ever had or the worst....  It all seems too good to be true still- when does that feeling turn into acknowledgement that I am really pregnant?

Sorry to be such a downer...here's hoping today is a better day.

waiting...

I feel like I am forever waiting since I got my BFP and I am wondering if this is how I will feel my whole pregnancy.  My first ultrasound is 6 days away and that seems like a lifetime. 

I haven't had a lot of symptoms, which makes me nervous, but I do get hungry more often and have been feeling a bit nauseous in the morning.  Other than that, I feel like myself.

Steve and I have been talking about how we can make our house work with a baby (or two).  We have a tiny small, two bedroom, one bathroom (with a shower- no tub) house.  It's cramped with just our stuff and I've seen how baby things can take over a house- so where is it all going to go?

These are the thoughts that occupy my mind while I wait.  I made a "to-do" list for the house,  I'm planning how I can rearrange furniture, what paint colors I want to use, etc., etc.

We are also trying to decide what OB to use after we are released from our RE's care.  This has proven to be a very difficult decision since we had such a terrible experience with our last OB (3 surgeries, 2 blood transfusions, and all around cluster f#ck). I will save that trip down memory lane for another post.

Tagged!

Crossing My Fingers But Not My Legs (one of the first IF blogs I followed) tagged me!

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (ok, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tag-ee must state who tagged them.

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? I have 3 cats and 1 dog and they are totally members of our family.  I even have conversations with them!

2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be? For my baby(ies) that I am pregnant with now to be delivered healthy and happy.

3. What would you do with a billion dollars? So much!  Buy a bigger house, start a foundation for infertility, help my family....the list could go on and on.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? My hubby and some good food.

5. What is your bedtime routine? Wash my face, brush my teeth and go to bed

6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? Steve was a consultant where I used to work and we met at the copier :)

7. What kind of books do you read? I call it "chick lit"  they're like chick flicks only in written form. Sophie Kinsella is my favorite author.

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully I'll have one or two 9 year olds!

9. What’s your fear? I have a lot of fears

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space? Nope, no way.

11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? Go to the bathroom then get in the shower

12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? I wouldn't change a thing

13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? I like my name and wouldn't want to pick another one

14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose? Um, sun.  Who would pick rain?

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? Eggs- I seriously love eggs.

16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most? Meeting all these other wonderful women dealing with the same problems and the support they give.

17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods? Salty for sure.

18. What items are in your purse right now? I think the answer would bore you.

19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go? We went to CO in the summer last year and it was beautiful- I would do that again in a heartbeat.  But I also love the beach so I pick both!

20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t? I am a reality TV junky, I just can't help it.

The four people I tag are:
1. Marissa at Eggs in a Basketcase
2. Baby Hopes at Chasing Our Stork
3. Amanda at Our Fertility Journey
4. Journey Through IF

I hope my future kids are this thoughtful

My wonderful MIL forwarded me this email and it made my night.  (thanks Mom!)

The background is that a friend of our family, M and her 8 year old daughter G, visited my in-laws on Thursday night.  M asked how things were going with me and the IVF and my MIL mentioned that she hasn't really said a lot to anyone yet since it's so early and proceeded to tell M what has been going on.  Apparently, little miss G heard the story also....hence the email below.  How sweet is this??


Had to share with you -
G told me that during Bible Study on Friday at school she really wanted to share that Bridget and babies need their prayers but she knew it was private and she wasn't to tell anyone so she told me that she just asked if everyone could pray for her family because we were having a "little bit of trouble"!! LOL.  Then she added that she still didn't really understand why it had to be a secret!  Needless to say- everyone is in our prayers and apparently the 3rd grades' as well!

Add it to the list

After reading this post by Amanda I was curious about Quantum Healing and decided to book an appointment with Mas.  Yes, you may think this is crazy, believe me I normally would too.  But I thought - hey, it can't hurt, let's see what he has to say.

Now, I'm not saying I totally bought into everything he was saying and sometimes I felt like he was grasping at straws but there were a couple of things he said that sort of made sense to me.  Here's how the conversation went.

He started by asking me if I was having pain or discomfort on my left side.  I wasn't so I told him no.  He said he could see something near my left ovary or on the left side of my uterus and I told him that I recently found out I was pregnant.  He thought maybe it was the baby he could see and said he would concentrate on that for a few minutes.  After some deep breathing on the other end of the phone he asked me if my husband was tall and I said yes then he asked if I would like to know the sex of the baby.  I said sure (I'm feeling pretty skeptical at this point).  He told me we would have a boy and he would grow up to be taller than his dad and very strong.  He said he saw him by the beach a lot. 

He said- this is your first child?  I said yes but we have been pregnant twice before.  Then he said- one was in the wrong spot.  And I said yes.  He told me this time would work.  He said I may have some bleeding but it will be ok.  I didn't like this at all, I started to feel nervous. 

Then he told me I need to be more sure of myself and confident.  He said I rely on other people's opinions too much and I should trust myself  (this is definitely true).  Then he asked if Steve and I have been married for 3 years and I said no.  And he asked if we have been together for 3 years and I said yes.  He said he saw the number 3 when he saw us together. 

Some of the things he said to me made no sense.  He said he could see jellyfish (no clue), he asked if I had problems with yeast (nope), he said I need to take apple cider vinegar (looked online and it's not recommended for pregnant women), and he kept asking if I could feel anything like tingling or light headedness and I never felt anything while we were talking.

We finished out conversation and I felt kind of wired, my face was very flushed and my heart was beating faster than normal. I went out and told Steve everything and said I thought it may have been a hoax but it was interesting. 

So, I will add this to my list of things I have done because I have problems with fertility....

Hormones Galore

Yesterday I was so hormonal it was ridiculous.  I'm not sure if it's the progesterone shots, early pregnancy hormones, or just a bad day but wow- I was on a roll.

I woke up grumpy, starving and tired.  My day continued to get worse when I got into an argument over something stupid with my best friend.  I overreacted and proceeded to break out in tears at work (really sane behavior, I know).  Then I got home from work, had a painful PIO shot (that wouldn't stop bleeding), and couldn't figure out what to make for dinner which for some reason made me furious beyond belief.  Steve had to go to class (I'm positive he was thrilled to get away from me) so I broke out my (buried in the basement since the last failed pregnancy) What to Expect When You're Expecting.  It didn't cheer me up at all, I really thought it would.  Instead, it brought back all of my thoughts/feelings from the last time I had browsed those pages....when I was so excited to be pregnant and expecting everything to work out perfectly. 

Some people have asked why I'm not more excited to be pregnant and the only answer I have is because I don't trust my body fully....at least not yet.  If I get to the first ultrasound and everything looks good- I promise to be more excited.

Every morning I wake up and touch my stomach and tell my baby(ies) to hold on. Every night I fall asleep holding my stomach and pray that this will really happen.

New Look!

Don't worry, you're at the right place. I just have a new look now! 
Thanks to Aly at Bridgework Blog Design for making my blog fantastic! 

I don't have much else to report.  Life has slowed down a lot since our IVF procedure... it's been a nice change.  I still have a PIO shot every night and I'm getting a little tired of being stuck in the same spots over and over, but I'm happy to do it for our baby(ies).

Beta 2

Drum roll please....

788....our Valentine's Day wish came true!!  I am truly at a loss for words right now....excitement, nervousness, disbelief, joy, gratitude, anticipation....there are so many emotions going through my head right now.  March 2nd can't come fast enough! We can't wait to see our baby(ies)!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Cautiously Excited

I am praying that tomorrow is (one of) the best Valentine's Day Steve and I will have together.  Valentine's Day was the first holiday we spent together as a couple and it has always meant a lot to me.  This year will be our fourth Valentine's together and I feel as nervous as I did on the first one but for a very different reason.  The nervousness this year doesn't come from butterflies in my stomach brought on by a guy I barely knew but from hoping that my second beta brings us good news. 

I haven't been able to get completely excited that we are pregnant yet....I would call it cautiously excited.  I keep waiting to wake up from this perfect dream.  I feel every single twinge in my lower abdomen and I've noticed that I'm constantly flexing my abs for no real reason.  I think Steve is sort of in shock too.  Every once in awhile we just look at each other and say "I can't believe it".  When does it really sink in? 

Happy Valentine's Day!

The numbers are in...

My beta is 183!! We are officially PREGNANT!!

I'm so excited I can't even think straight right now. I'm actually wondering if I'm dreaming...it all seems so surreal.

I go back on Monday for another blood test to make sure my HCG is doubling and our first ultrasound is scheduled for March 2nd (my birthday)!

I feel so blessed and thankful. Everyone has been so supportive during this whirlwind (I know I wasn't always the most sane person) and I can't thank you enough.

Most of all...thank you Steve.  You've been there for me during the worst of it and I love you more than anything.

9dp3dt

Hope is back....funny how it sneaks back in when you're least expecting it.

Today I got my second line.  It's faint but it is definitely there.  I woke up at 4am wide awake (my subconscious obviously knew something I didn't know).  I took a test and with my half open, barely focused eyes... I saw the second line.

I crawled back into bed and told Steve- of course he was happy.  We are both happy but guarded. That's just what happens when you've had positive tests before and no baby.  But we are optimistic that this could be it, it could be our turn.  Our number may have finally been called in the baby lottery.

Yesterday I was hopeless.  I was lost and didn't know what to do next. I want to thank all of you for the kind words and encouragement- it means a lot to me.   

 

What a Joke.

So. Pissed. Off.

I called the financial lady at U of I this morning just so I could wrap my head around what might happen if we need to do another round of IVF.  Now just so you know... I am not convinced that this cycle didn't work but I want to be prepared for what comes next if I get a negative blood test on Friday- that's just how I work....be as prepared as possible for the worst and go from there.

Just to give you some background... Steve and I qualified for their "Warranty Program" which I will now refer to as their "Fucking Joke Program".  The program was explained to us this way- 1. If the fresh cycle doesn't work we get to try again with as many frozen cycles as we have frozen embryos for free (except we didn't get any frozen embryos) 2. We get a refund of most of our money if the procedure doesn't result in pregnancy.

Now back to financial lady.  So I ask how we can go about doing another cycle if this one doesn't end in pregnancy and I tell her we want to do the "Fucking Joke Program" again.  She proceeds to tell me that it is more than likely that I won't qualify for the program again because I only ended up with 3 embryos and their criteria is at least 5 embryos.  Um excuse me??  When was someone going to tell me this?  And who the hell was in charge of my stim meds and all my dosages??  The nurse specifically told me they were using the lightest dose possible- why is that?  Oh, that's so we have no chance of doing the "Fucking Joke Program" again. I see how this works now.

I feel like I've been royally screwed by U of I and if I don't get a positive beta on Friday someone in that office is going to sit down with us and tell us what the hell we're supposed to do next. And it is not going to be pretty.

7dp3dt

(7 days past 3 day transfer)

I broke down and took a HPT (home pregnancy test) yesterday and today...BFN (big fat negative).  Cried both times, googled the shit out of HPT stats, asked Steve if he was sure he wanted to waste more money on a second IVF cycle, cursed my reproductive inadequacy and now here I am spewing it all over my blog trying to feel better.

I hate HPTs- because I never get a good result.  So why do I keep buying them?  Apparently I like to torture myself.  I am trying to convince myself that it's still too early....please, please, please be too early. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------
On another note- our team is in the Superbowl today (Go Steelers!) 
Steve showed me this picture and I had to share it.

Filter Free...

Thanks to AP at My Dusty Uterus for the brilliant idea of Filter Free Friday!!  Today is the perfect day for shutting down my filter because I woke up in the worst mood possible. 

Here's what is on on my unfiltered mind....

1. You would think I have the plague or something with the ghost town that my activity calendar has become.  I don't feel like the most fun person to be around right now and for the last two days I cry at the drop of a hat (and I could really use a beer).



I need this shirt



2. I feel like this cycle is a bust.  Why you might ask?  I feel PMS creeping in...my bitchiness, crab-ass attitude yesterday and today has me convinced that I am not pregnant.  Someone tell me this is a symptom of pregnancy- fast.  And why does the 2WW have to take soooooo loooooong?  In our world of instant gratification you'd think someone could develop an app for that.  Even I would trade my beloved Blackberry in for an iphone if Steve Jobs created the instant pregnancy notification app. 

I need this app.

Well, that is my filter free post for today.  I'll try to contain my hormones until next Friday.

Bridget

What Does Your Chalkboard Say?

I called U of I yesterday to check on our third embryo....it didn't make it to freezing.  I was sad but I didn't cry. I'm not sure if I held it together because I know I have two embryos inside of me still growing away or because I'm pretty sure we will do another fresh cycle if this one doesn't work.  I did question that if #3 didn't make it why would the 2 inside of me? Steve reassured me that my baby palace is a much better place for embryos to grow than the lab.  It made me feel better.

My Circle + Bloom Meditation last night was a good one so I want to share it in case it might help any of my infertile friends out there. 

I was asked to picture a chalkboard and on this chalkboard I had to write all of my negative thoughts I was feeling about this cycle or about infertility in general. The narrator explains that none of my negative thoughts can hurt the growing embryos but the stress of holding these thoughts inside without letting them go can.  Makes sense I suppose.

Here is what my list looked like...
*  I'm not going to get pregnant this cycle.
*  I'm never going to be a mom.
*  Why can't I get pregnant?
*  It's my fault we can't have a baby.
*  Am I being punished?

I know some of these sound so dramatic...and they are- but sometimes, at my worst, that's how it feels inside my head.  And if you've never been through infertility then you have no idea how terrible it feels.

So after writing all of my negative thoughts on the chalkboard the narrator tells me I can either keep them there or erase them and let them go.  I erased...and it felt good.  It might sound silly but a huge weight was lifted and I felt much less negative and stressed about the unknown. 

Go write on your chalkboards....and then erase!


Bridget

P.S.  I still haven't decided if I'm going to POAS or wait for my beta.  I'd love to know if any of you did and how long you waited?  And were you glad you did?  I don't want to get my hopes up with a false positive or go into depression over a false negative.  What to do??

Wait and Pray

It's strange how calm I feel after the huge event known as our embryo transfer.  In a way it feels like nothing really happened, like it was all a dream.  Maybe I feel this way because every other month we were TTC there were a lot of unknowns and stress.  And this month everything was known, don't get me wrong- there was still stress but I felt like we were doing everything that could possibly be done.  Blood tests, ultrasounds, three different shots every day, dates for retrieval and transfer, pictures of our embryos, actually seeing our embryos being placed inside my body...in the right spot.
On the opposite end of the spectrum I feel so excited.  And for some reason I am trying to hold it in.  Probably because I've been in that place of loss and devastation when a pregnancy didn't result in a baby.  And I know that this one might not either.  This doesn't mean I'm being pessimistic or negative....it means I'm being realistic.  We have a 50% chance either way and those odds are not letting me jump for joy...yet.

So now all we can do is wait and pray...I wish there was a secret for ensuring a positive pregnancy test after IVF- don't we all?

I made Steve have the "what if this doesn't work" talk with me before the transfer.  I'm not sure if we came up with our exact plan but he asked if I would do another round of IVF.  I'm 99% sure I would.  Nothing that we went through was so terrible that I wouldn't do it again. But here's hoping we won't have to make that decision.

Bridget