I felt lost.

Emily has an ear infection and is so unhappy. The only time she is happy is sleeping in her swing or eating.  She wants to eat around the clock and then spits most of it up. The rest of the day she cries. This makes me feel like a terrible mother because I don't know what to do to make her happy...  

...I had that written last night, but didn't post it.  Then I checked facebook this morning and my buddy Courtney (thank you Courtney) had posed a link to this blog and I read it and I cried.  I cried because it is so true.

Especially this part....

"But I remember having only one child, and it was hard—so very hard.  Some of the difficulties were just practical:  I didn’t know what I was doing, had to learn everything.  People pushed me around because I was young and inexperienced.  But even worse were the emotional struggles of learning to be a mother.
When I had only one child, I truly suffered during those long, long, long days in our little apartment, no one but the two of us, baby and me, dealing with each other all day long.  I invented errands and dawdled and took the long way home, but still had hours and hours to fill before I would hear my husband’s key in the door.
I cared so much what other people thought about her—they had to notice how beautiful she was, they had to be impressed at my natural mothering skills.  I obsessed over childhood development charts, tense with fear that my mothering was lacking—that I hadn’t stimulated her enough,  or maybe had just passed on the wrong kind of genes.  I cringe when I remember how I pushed her—a little baby!—to achieve milestones she wasn’t ready for.
I lived in terror for her physical safety (I once brought her to Urgent Care, where the doctor somewhat irritably diagnosed a case of moderate sniffles) fearing every imaginable disease and injury.  In my sleep-deprived state, I would have sudden insane hallucinations that her head had fallen off, her knees had suddenly broken themselves in the night, and so on.
My husband didn’t know how to help me.  I didn’t know how to ask for help.  My husband had become a father, and I adored him for it.  My husband got to leave the house every day, and sleep every night.  He got to go to the bathroom alone.  I hated him for it."

Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child#ixzz1k6CYrtZm

I'm trying so hard to figure this 'motherhood' thing out.  I second guess every decision I make, I wonder if she will ever be happy, I often think I'm doing everything wrong, and I am learning.... this is what being a mother is like- this is probably what every new mom goes through.

It was a hard week, it's not the first and it won't be the last.  And I thank God every day that I get to go through these struggles because I have a daughter and I love her more than anything in this world.