Saturday, January 21, 2012

I felt lost.

Emily has an ear infection and is so unhappy. The only time she is happy is sleeping in her swing or eating.  She wants to eat around the clock and then spits most of it up. The rest of the day she cries. This makes me feel like a terrible mother because I don't know what to do to make her happy...  

...I had that written last night, but didn't post it.  Then I checked facebook this morning and my buddy Courtney (thank you Courtney) had posed a link to this blog and I read it and I cried.  I cried because it is so true.

Especially this part....

"But I remember having only one child, and it was hard—so very hard.  Some of the difficulties were just practical:  I didn’t know what I was doing, had to learn everything.  People pushed me around because I was young and inexperienced.  But even worse were the emotional struggles of learning to be a mother.
When I had only one child, I truly suffered during those long, long, long days in our little apartment, no one but the two of us, baby and me, dealing with each other all day long.  I invented errands and dawdled and took the long way home, but still had hours and hours to fill before I would hear my husband’s key in the door.
I cared so much what other people thought about her—they had to notice how beautiful she was, they had to be impressed at my natural mothering skills.  I obsessed over childhood development charts, tense with fear that my mothering was lacking—that I hadn’t stimulated her enough,  or maybe had just passed on the wrong kind of genes.  I cringe when I remember how I pushed her—a little baby!—to achieve milestones she wasn’t ready for.
I lived in terror for her physical safety (I once brought her to Urgent Care, where the doctor somewhat irritably diagnosed a case of moderate sniffles) fearing every imaginable disease and injury.  In my sleep-deprived state, I would have sudden insane hallucinations that her head had fallen off, her knees had suddenly broken themselves in the night, and so on.
My husband didn’t know how to help me.  I didn’t know how to ask for help.  My husband had become a father, and I adored him for it.  My husband got to leave the house every day, and sleep every night.  He got to go to the bathroom alone.  I hated him for it."

Read more:

I'm trying so hard to figure this 'motherhood' thing out.  I second guess every decision I make, I wonder if she will ever be happy, I often think I'm doing everything wrong, and I am learning.... this is what being a mother is like- this is probably what every new mom goes through.

It was a hard week, it's not the first and it won't be the last.  And I thank God every day that I get to go through these struggles because I have a daughter and I love her more than anything in this world.


  1. I'm going to post a link in my blog too! I read it at least ten times! I never really thought of being a mom as something that's learned, but it absolutely is! And it makes me fell better that we ALL are learning!

  2. Being a new first time Mommy is SO hard! We all want everything to be perfect at all times. We want to be able to fix everything even when we know we can't. Keep your chin up and know that you ARE an amazing Mommy and Emily adores you more than anything in this world! I truly hope that you are blessed with another angel (if you want another). This time I have been so much more relaxed and I am enjoying everything rather than being constantly paranoid something will "go wrong". I figure if I was able to raise a baby to almost 4 years old once I am able to do it again. Sending you many hugs!

  3. Babies are HARD!!! Don't let those faker mom's full you. It's hard for everyone - especially first timers and you're in the middle of the hardest part (in my opinion). I blogged about that time here...

    It gets so much better!! You're doing a fantastic job and meeting all her needs. Sometimes babies just can't be satisfied and that's OK. It's all part of growing.

  4. here too! It was a hard few weeks. :) Lots of venting...

  5. Oh Bridget- sending hugs from here and wishing there was something I could do to cheer you up. I have no doubt that you are a wonderful mom and you are doing all that you can for her. There is no instruction book out there, but just make sure you are finding time in each day to refuel for yourself and getting a moment away from role as mom in order to just breath and gain perspective. You can do this and you are doing it :) Make sure you are using everyone around you to help and give me a ring if you want to just chit chat :) luv ya- hang in there the sun will come out tomorrow- I promise!

  6. I'm so sorry your little sweetheart is sick. That has to be the hardest thing to see as a mom. I can only imagine the challenges that lie ahead. I am thankful beyond words that I'll be able to experience them at last, but they are certainly intimidating and I know I have much to learn.

    I have a similar feeing being pregnant at last. I am so incredibly grateful that she is growing away inside of me, but even at nearly 16 weeks along, I'm terrified I'll do something wrong or that my body will fail her in some way. I keep wishing it were July and she were safely here, only to realize that once she's in our arms, she will be even more reliant on our daily choices and actions to support her. It's a huge responsibility - an incredibly rewarding one, but difficult at times nonetheless.

    Thank you for posting this - it's very helpful to a mom-to-be that worries probably far too much!!! Hope she feels better soon and know that you are doing an amazing job as a mom. The fact that you care this much is just one indicator of how much she is adored and cared for.

  7. I was going to blog about this same article today too!!! It helped me much in the same way. Hope Emily feels better very soon.

  8. You are doing a great job, even when you are frustrated, tired, or just don't know how to calm Miss. Emily. It is SO tough being a mom, especially with babies that have colic, ear infections, etc. I wish I had some magic tip for you to make things better, but I do know that one day things with just click for Em and she will feel better. Don't ever feel bad for blogging about how tough things are with her. I held a lot of my frustration back when Aiden was colicky and I regret it now. I was so scared of coming across as a bad mom, that I was ashamed to say that I had no clue what to do.
    All I can say is that IT WILL GET BETTER and that you are doing a great job as a mom! Hang in there friend!

  9. Absolutely you are not alone!! There is no manual that comes with babies, so it just comes with time and experience. It's so hard to see your little one sick and nothing seems to comfort her. Know that you are doing everything you can and she loves you unconditionally.

  10. Sweetie, welcome to the Mommy club. I could have written this post ver-batim when I had my son over five years ago. I was so confused and was given so much advice that I didn't know what to do first. But somehow, my little dude made it through the first year with his clueless mommy and is now a thriving five year old. You will find your way, trust your gut and trust that you are an awesome mommy. Emily will feel better soon and so will you. When they are so small and sick it's so hard, but before you know it, she will be walking and talking and telling you what's bothering her...

  11. Oh, gosh. This is the hardest job ever. And we are learning and you are a fabulous mother for working so hard to make sure she is healthy and happy... we are going to make it through friend!!! I hope sweet Emily is feeling better soon! Hang in there from a new mama to a new mama, sending a virtual hug your way!

  12. Awww, sorry I just saw this. My baby is sick too.
    It is hard and I guess I just thought it would be easier because I would be so appreciative to finally have her. But it is hard and whenever I don't think she poops rainbows, I second guess myself and think I am not fully appreciating her.
    Sometimes I can be rational and remind myself every moment isn't perfect and I can't be either, but sometimes I just break down.
    You are doing a great job, ear infections are so hard on a baby, no one could make her happy right now.
    I really hope she gets to feeling better and back to her happy self!
    Just remember you are a GREAT mom and she is very blessed to have someone who is so caring, thoughtful and genuine as her mommy!


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