3 months!

Happy 3 month birthday Emily Bonnie!!

It's amazing how much Emily has changed in three short months.  Her face, her personality, her hands & feet....she is already growing up too fast!

I just love her more and more every single day. My heart is full.

A letter to my mom, on her birthday

Dear Mom,

I miss you so much.  I miss your smile, your laugh, your comforting hugs, and hearing- "Hi B-girl".  There are so many days that I wish I could pick up the phone and talk to you....ask you questions about Emily, or just chat like we used to.  I wish you could have met your granddaughter.  I wish you weren't taken from us so early. 

Sadly enough, I don't think I realized all the hard work and dedication you put into our family until I became a mom.  I now understand your unconditional love and I can appreciate, so much more, everything you ever did for me; every tear you dried, every encouraging word, every sleepless night, every warning about growing up.  You picked me up when I was down and never said "I told you so", even though you could have- many times.  

You were a strong woman, an amazing mother and a wonderful friend.  I hope I can be half as great for Emily as you were for me.

I love you mom, happy birthday.

B-girl

I felt lost.

Emily has an ear infection and is so unhappy. The only time she is happy is sleeping in her swing or eating.  She wants to eat around the clock and then spits most of it up. The rest of the day she cries. This makes me feel like a terrible mother because I don't know what to do to make her happy...  

...I had that written last night, but didn't post it.  Then I checked facebook this morning and my buddy Courtney (thank you Courtney) had posed a link to this blog and I read it and I cried.  I cried because it is so true.

Especially this part....

"But I remember having only one child, and it was hard—so very hard.  Some of the difficulties were just practical:  I didn’t know what I was doing, had to learn everything.  People pushed me around because I was young and inexperienced.  But even worse were the emotional struggles of learning to be a mother.
When I had only one child, I truly suffered during those long, long, long days in our little apartment, no one but the two of us, baby and me, dealing with each other all day long.  I invented errands and dawdled and took the long way home, but still had hours and hours to fill before I would hear my husband’s key in the door.
I cared so much what other people thought about her—they had to notice how beautiful she was, they had to be impressed at my natural mothering skills.  I obsessed over childhood development charts, tense with fear that my mothering was lacking—that I hadn’t stimulated her enough,  or maybe had just passed on the wrong kind of genes.  I cringe when I remember how I pushed her—a little baby!—to achieve milestones she wasn’t ready for.
I lived in terror for her physical safety (I once brought her to Urgent Care, where the doctor somewhat irritably diagnosed a case of moderate sniffles) fearing every imaginable disease and injury.  In my sleep-deprived state, I would have sudden insane hallucinations that her head had fallen off, her knees had suddenly broken themselves in the night, and so on.
My husband didn’t know how to help me.  I didn’t know how to ask for help.  My husband had become a father, and I adored him for it.  My husband got to leave the house every day, and sleep every night.  He got to go to the bathroom alone.  I hated him for it."

Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child#ixzz1k6CYrtZm

I'm trying so hard to figure this 'motherhood' thing out.  I second guess every decision I make, I wonder if she will ever be happy, I often think I'm doing everything wrong, and I am learning.... this is what being a mother is like- this is probably what every new mom goes through.

It was a hard week, it's not the first and it won't be the last.  And I thank God every day that I get to go through these struggles because I have a daughter and I love her more than anything in this world.

Miss Emily at 12 weeks

What can I say about my sweet daughter....

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She is getting stronger every day and is starting to enjoy tummy time

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 She loves story time with daddy

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She is smiling and "talking" more and more every day!

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She is going through a growth spurt right now so she isn't sleeping as well as she has been at night.  

She gets up about every 4 hours to eat.

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She can't wear any of her 3 month clothes with feet because she is too long!  

We just recently started putting her in size 2 diapers.  

She is getting so big!

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We tried the bu.mbo seat today and she did great!

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She loves music

(don't mind me laughing to myself)

TVT (I almost forgot it was Thursday....again)

Apparently I never know what day it is.

Alrighty then, here we go.

~  I think I'm getting sick.  I feel like my head might explode and my throat is scratchy.  Perfect.

~  Emily and I had our first play date yesterday and it was seriously needed.  It was great to get out of the house and see my friend M and her baby R who is a week and a half younger than Emily.  (Emily was in serious flirt mode all day.) Swapping mom stories is the best therapy there is.

~  My baby thinks she is a newborn again.  She went to bed at 7:00 like normal last night and instead of getting up once at 3:00am to eat, she got up at 11:30pm and 3:30am to eat.  Then she thought it was a good idea to just stay up and cry- the whole day.  I'm hoping it's just a growth spurt.

~  I have given Emily 2- 5 oz bottles of breast milk today- yay for relactation!!

~ I looked at my google reader just now and it says I don't follow any blogs....um this better get fixed pronto.

~ If you need a laugh, go check out Modg and laugh your ass off.  Make sure you have your sound on.

Happy Thursday!

A little bit of this....A little bit of that

Don't worry, I didn't forget about my Monday weigh in.  I don't have much to report because... my first week didn't go as great as I had planned but I'm not too upset about it.  It's harder than I thought it would be to get back into exercising with an 11 week old.  I did really well as far as food goes and that's a plus in my book!  I'm the same weight as last week and honestly, I'm more worried about relactation and physical therapy than weight loss right now.

Here's an update on life...

Relactation:  Pumping every three hours is hard work.

I want to thank Courtney a million times for going the extra supportive mile for me and asking her LC to talk to me.  She was a huge help and I now have some new things to try and I don't feel quite so alone in all of this.

This is what I've learned:

- Getting Emily back to nursing.  Sometimes she can do it and sometimes she gets very frustrated. We had two successful sessions yesterday- in the morning she nursed for 24 minutes on each side and didn't seem to be hungry for more so I am hoping she got enough. In the afternoon she nursed for 15 minutes each side and then needed a bottle.

-  I will be trying to incorporate oatmeal and brewers yeast into my diet.  These two things are supposed to increase production.  I am also going to be taking More Milk Plus capsules.

-  I rented a hospital grade pump and I am *trying* to pump every 3 hours. I got 3 oz this morning so I am slowly but surely getting more milk.

Physical Therapy:

Emily does have torticollis, meaning the group of neck muscles on her left side are tight and/or damaged.  This causes her to only want her head turned to the left.  This can happen in utero or there can be trauma during L&D that causes this. 

Her first PT appointment was yesterday and she cried most of the time.  It hurts her to turn her head and that's what we need to do to strengthen the muscles on the right side of her neck and stretch the ones on the left.  I've been working on this at home and we are seeing a little progress.  We also have to do more tummy time and alternate how we hold her and feed her.

The torticollis has caused her to have a slight flat spot on the lower left side of her head because that is where she lays when she sleeps.  The physical therapist said we should get a referral from our doctor to have her skull evaluated to see if a helmet is necessary to prevent facial asymmetry.

I will leave you with a picture of sweet Emily cheering for the Steelers (we are so sad they lost).

TVT

I didn't even realize it was Thursday until I saw Oak's post....time flies, right? Let's get started.

~  Try not to judge us, but Emily has been sleeping in her swing since....well, pretty much since week 3 when the colic and reflux started.  I know, I am a terrible parent. But seriously, we needed sleep and it was the only place she would sleep. Yesterday I was looking at the Baby Sleep Site (they have some really great tips) and realized that I should probably start breaking her of this habit.  So I tried to put her down for her afternoon nap in her bassinet.  Crying (hysterical crying) ensued and I caved and got her out and put her in her swing. Fail.  I kept reading and decided to try again when Steve got home.  She cried for maybe 5 minutes and then just passed right out!  Success! Then we got really brave and decided to put her down for the night at 7:00 in her bassinet- she totally slept- until 3:00am and then ate and went back to sleep until 7:55 this morning!!  Fingers crossed, we may have broken her habit of the swing!

~  So remember my post from Monday? Well, that hasn't been going so well.  Food and water wise, I am kicking ass.  Exercise wise I am sucking big time.  I haven't done one lick of physical activity besides playing on the floor with Em and running back and forth around the house.  Oh well.  There is always the rest of the week.....(who am I kidding?) I have been using myfitnesspal.com to track my calories and such.  I can do it online and on my phone so that has helped a lot.

~  Pumping is still happening, I got about 3.5 oz yesterday.  I'm not sure if it will ever get back to where it was or how long I should give it, but I'll keep pumping away.

~  I freaked myself out by googling "my baby will only turn her head to the left".  Turns out something called torticollis is pretty common in babies and looks and sounds just like Emily.  We are taking her to a chiropractor tonight and hopefully with that and PT she will be good as new in no time. 

~  Tomorrow night we are having dinner with a couple that Steve has been friends with for a long time (I've met them once or twice) and I'm excited to get out of the house! 

~  It has been hard for me to get used to Eastern time/ PA television programming/ the local news people.  Let me explain.  It's dark at 7am when I'm watching the Today Show, in IL the sun is up at this time.  Prime time TV starts at 8pm here, in IL it starts at 7pm.  Wheel of Fortune is on at 7:30pm here, in IL I think it's on at 5:30 or 6:00. Also, the Ellen show is on in the morning and Hoda and Kathy Lee are on in the afternoon- it's the complete opposite in IL (not that I watch any of that garbage....).  The local TV news anchor is so spray tanned he looks orange, this is just weird. 

Happy Thursday everyone!

10 weeks old!!

Sweet Emily is 10 weeks old today!

Last night Steve and I were laying in bed with Emily trying to get her to sleep; it was one of those peaceful, perfect moments and I said to him, "did you ever know you could love something so much?"  That's all I can think about lately, how much I love her and I wonder what I ever did before her?  When she smiles, I smile and when she hurts, I hurt.  She is one of  the best thing that has ever happened to me and I will never be the same.

My relactation (getting my breast milk back) has been slow going, but I am trying my best.  I'm taking fenugreek, drinking mother's milk tea, and I'm pumping every three hours.   Yesterday I pumped about 4 oz and today I have pumped a total of 5.5 oz in 4 pumping sessions. I haven't done any actual nursing yet, but I am feeding her what I get from a bottle. 

We also switched bottles.  We are trying Born Free and Dr. Browns.  The Dr. Browns seem to take a lot longer for her to eat which I think is good for her gassiness-she was eating a 5 oz bottle in about 8 minutes with the avent bottles and it takes her about 20 minutes to drink 5 oz now. The Born Free bottles are nice but the level one nipples are still too fast for her I think.

At her 2 month appointment her Dr decided to switch her to zantac. This has been horrible! She has been spitting up so much more and screaming like she used to after feedings.  It breaks my heart when she is in pain from the reflux.  I called the Dr this morning and asked him about switching back and he said yes. 

I also asked him about physical therapy for her neck and they are sending me a referral and the names of some physical therapists in the area. I hope it will help her straighten out!

P.S. we had this coconut chicken salad tonight and it was DELISH!!

Weekly Monday Weigh-In

A few of the bloggers I follow are doing weekly Wednesday weigh-ins.  Well, after two months of not really caring what I eat or what I weigh, I figured it's probably a good time to start working out again and not stuffing my face whenever I feel like it.  So....thanks for the inspiration girls and here goes nothing! My version is going to be a bit modified and I will be posting my progress on Mondays- I'm a begin the week with a weigh in kind of girl.

This all started with Josey and then Michele gave us an outline to follow.

1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal. (BMI info from this website)

My main goal is to fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans.  I have a bit of a jean obsession and I own a lot of jeans (expensive jeans) that I can't wear right now.  I don't want to re-build my "collection" so that's goal number one. 

Starting weight: 179       
Last Week's Weight: N/ACurrent Weight: 179  
Goal Weight (for now) : 163 (this was my weight when I started IVF)    

Starting BMI: 24.3
Last Week's BMI: N/A
Current BMI: 24.3
Goal BMI: 22.1

2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.

Progress on last week's activities: N/A

Activities for this coming week: Since I haven't done any kind of work out for 10 months or so, I figured I better start slow.  My plan is to increase these as I re-gain my endurance and strength.
1.  Work out on the tread mill or elliptical for 30 minutes, 3 times this week.
2.  Drink 66oz of water a day.  I found this calculator for how much water I need per day and it said 99.6oz- holy shit!
3.  Portion control! I am so terrible with this. And eating all around healthier meals.
4.  Do 25 push ups and 50 sit ups 3 days this week.

4. Dinner menu for the week:
I'm going to be getting a lot of my recipes from Skinny Taste.

Monday: Chicken breast, green beans and brown rice
Tuesday: Coconut Chicken Salad
Wednesday: Ground turkey tacos
Thursday: Crock Pot Santa Fe Chicken
Friday: Lasagna (at a friends house)
Saturday: Bunless turkey burgers, broccoli and brown rice
Sunday: Spaghetti


Wish me luck!