I apologize in advance for this downer of a post...but sometimes the worst thoughts go through my head. Mostly this happens when I'm alone or when I'm trying to fall asleep. I start thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to this tiny baby growing inside me.
Last night (while Steve was at class) I cuddled up with my new pregnancy book- Your Pregnancy Week by Week. Little did I know... the chapter titled Week 8 is all about miscarriage. Thank you for that uplifting chapter! They mentioned all the different types of miscarriage: chemical pregnancy (been there), ectopic pregnancy (done that), regular miscarriage (yes, that one too) and then they started talking about "missed or silent miscarriage"- this scared the shit out of me. In case you don't know, this is when your baby is no longer alive but you don't know it. No bleeding or anything. I can't even imagine what this must be like to go through and I pray that I will never find out.
As soon as Steve got home I told him I was nervous (which he hears a lot) and he said- "We're going to be nervous for the rest of our lives now". Light bulb moment. He proceeded to tell me that everything is going to make us nervous going forward and even after the baby is born we are going to be nervous. Are we giving it the right food, are we raising it right, is this the right daycare and on and on.
I'm not sure what the moral of this post is but I needed to get it off my chest. The thoughts don't stop and I guess they never will. What started with IF nervousness has turned into pregnancy nervousness and hopefully in 32 weeks will transform again into parenting nervousness.