on going back to work

I've been working part-time at the family business for about a month now. I decided to get back to work after my post-partum depression and anxiety were starting to settle down.  It had occurred to me that all of my thoughts/energy were concentrated on the kids 100% of the time.  I was at home with one or both of the kids most of the time.  The kids were all I had to worry about - all.the.time.  And it was one of the reasons I was anxious.  I have high expectations, I'm type A, none of this is a secret.  So when I didn't have something to distract me from the anxiety that is motherhood, it had a negative effect on my sanity mental health. 

{Now let me say, this is just my situation.  I'm not implying that all stay at home mom's feel like this or have the same kind of problem I had.} 

So when I told Steve I might want to go back to work again, he suggested working at the family business.  (Have I mentioned that I am lucky enough to have a husband and in-laws that are supportive and willing to help in any way they can?) This work situation is perfect for so many reasons.  It's flexible,  it's low stress, and the bosses are pretty awesome.

At first, it was like- hold on, my brain is not used to thinking about something other than the kids.  I missed them so much that first week- even though I only worked two days. I still miss them when I'm at work, but each week has gotten easier and I am really enjoying my time away from home.  I'm learning something totally new and it's interesting work. 

I do get a little bummed that I'm not there to watch all the cool stuff they're doing. And squeezing things into the short time between the end of work and bedtime is difficult- it's like I blink an eye and it's time for them to go to bed.  But, all in all, it has been great for me.  And it's good for Emily & Gavin to socialize with other kids and learn to be away from me a little bit.  Emily loves school so much, she's making friends and she's learning a TON. And G-buddy is happy no matter where he is and he sleeps better at night when he goes to school so win, win.  We've got a good balance going here and I'm happy about that.

Passed out on the changing table at 6pm. School is hard work!



I love school!!



a much needed visit

2 posts in 1 week- WATCHOUT.

If you would have told me 3 years ago that I would find some of my greatest friends online, through a blog about infertility, I wouldn't have believed you.  But here I am, with some pretty amazing women woven into my life supporting and listening, encouraging and sharing.

Kelly is one of those friends that I have leaned on in the past couple of years and I got to meet her (and her beautiful family) this weekend.  She wrote about our visit here.

If you don't read Kelly's blog, you should.  If you do read her blog, then you really do know Kelly- because that's how she is in real life; sassy, funny, and telling it like it is (in a southern accent). 

I can't even describe how great it was to sit face to face and talk to her, so I won't even try.  I will tell you that we laughed (a lot), cried (a little) and everything in-between. 

We watched our toddlers, who were born just weeks apart, play together.

She cuddled Gavin and gave me pep talks (she's a good pep-talker). 

And there were cocktails, of course there were cocktails. 

I felt like I was with someone I had known my whole life. We know each other's stories and we can relate to so much of what is going on in each other's lives.  And now I've decided that Kelly has to move to PA.

Thank you Kelly, for everything.  Your little family is the best.

a blog post every 3 months is probably not acceptable...

I was told this weekend I need to start blogging again (Kelly).  I have been missing it so much, but finding the time to sit down and write has become increasingly hard.

So, an update post/picture dump it is...if anyone is still reading?

Post partum depression:  I've been doing much better.  I'm on 3 medications, 1 during the day and 2 at night (that knock me out) so Steve has been getting up with G at night since this all happened.  I have a lot of guilt about the anxiety and depression and about Steve and his parents having to do so much for me. If I'm honest, it makes me feel like a not so great mom.  But I'm working on not feeling guilty and just letting others help.  I'm getting stronger and I feel pretty great most days.  I still have moments of anxiety, mostly at night when I'm trying to get to sleep but I have come such a long way from where I was 4 months ago.  I am grateful that I have this wonderful family that is so willing to help with everything.

Work:  I started working a couple of days a week at the family business.  It's been good for me to get out of the house and start learning something new.  I miss the kids like crazy, but I know this is a good change for all of us. 

Emily:  Oh this girl.  She's 22 months old now and as feisty as ever.  I wonder if there will ever be a day that I don't use the word feisty to describe her?  She's talking up a storm, copying everything we say and do, she loves school, and still has a love/notinlove relationship with Gavin.  She eats and sleeps great and throws 5,000 tantrums a day.  Her favorite place to be is outside, she's terrified of band aids and wants nothing to do with the potty. I have to start planning her 2nd birthday and this seems unreal to me.

 

Gavin:  G buddy is amazing.  He's 7 months old and he's the happiest baby you've ever seen.  He loves Emily so much and watches her like a hawk.  He's been sitting up since he was 5 months old and is now working on getting up on all fours- he will be crawling before I know it.  He would rather eat baby food than drink his bottle and he's growing like a weed.  At his 6 month well visit he was 29 inches long and 21 lbs 11 oz.  Yes, he's a big boy.  He likes his jumper, throwing balls, bath time and swinging.  He's slowly getting used to going for walks but for awhile he hated being in the stroller.  He's not the best sleeper unfortunately.  It varies from day to day but he is still getting up 1 or 2 times during the night and sometimes he thinks the day starts at 5am.  His naps are all over the place.  On days he's at school he only sleeps about 20 minutes but if he's home he will nap for a couple of hours.  But none of that matters because 97% of the time he is happy, smiling and laughing.

Me:  I chopped my hair off and lost most of the baby weight I had put on with E&G.  I wish I could say there was some magic way I did it but I think it was the combination of anxiety and running around after two kids that did it.  I go on 2 long walks with the kids a day and eat normally.  My next goal is to get toned up because even though I'm back to the same weight as I was before kids, my body looks nothing like it did back then.

Steve:  If there was a contest for best husband and dad, he would win- hands down.  He's taken such good care of me through my PPD and he's taken care of the kids at the same time.  He is always there to talk things through when I'm feeling a little crazy and he's my biggest supporter.  Not to mention that he's learning the family business at the same time.  Superman I tell ya.

These guys....I'm so lucky.

I miss all of you and I'm still reading your blogs!!  I try to comment as often as I can but it doesn't always happen because 2 kids under 2 is a crazy thing.

I'm still here!!

 

I am finally feeling a bit more like myself.  A combination of medication and acupuncture has helped tremendously.  Also, only having one of the kids at a time has saved my sanity.  There are still times I feel overwhelmed, but it's nothing like it was before. I just keep telling myself- one day (or hour) at a time, soon everything will be back to normal. Steve and his parents have been so helpful with everything and I can't thank them enough for all they have done. Thanks to everyone for the kind comments on my last post. 

Emily is 19 months now and she is enjoying "school".  Of course with school comes new germs so we have been dealing with more sickness which isn't fun.  She's had croup, an ear infection, sinus infection, a constant runny nose, etc. etc.  But all in all I think going to school has been really beneficial for her.

She is still as sassy as ever and has been saying more words which cracks me up! Her most used words are: 'no no' (mostly when I want her to come inside), 'shoos' (shoes), 'Pitie' (Mickey), and 'yodurt' (yogurt).  This girl would stay outside all day and night if we let her, it makes her so happy.

 

We took her to the zoo over the weekend and she was in heaven!  Pointing, making animal noises, eyes wide- it was so fun to watch!!  She loves her animal books and little people zoo so seeing the animals in person was fun for her (and us)!

Gavin is doing really well, he is 4 months old now (crazy!) and his latest check up with his surgeon at Children's went better than we could have hoped for.  His heart and lungs are looking great and she told us that for the most part he is a "normal" baby.  Music to our ears!!

He cut his first tooth last night and has been rolling from back to belly since 3 months.  He's so active, talkative and very curious- always trying to grab something and trying his hardest to sit up.  He is such a happy baby and we are beyond thankful that he is doing so well.

 

We are getting ready for Gavin's baptism in a couple of weeks.  Most of my family is coming to PA and we can't wait to see everyone and have them all meet Gavin!

I have been reading all of your blogs from my phone but for some reason it won't let me comment- is anyone else having this issue, know how to fix it?  I rarely get my laptop out so I'm trying to catch up!  It's been easier for me to see what everyone is doing on instagram and facebook so if you have either, let me know so I can follow you!

postpartum depression

I wasn't sure if I would write about this.  But then I thought, maybe it will help me, maybe it will help someone else, so here I am writing.

It's no surprise that the weeks after Gavin's birth were traumatic. Worrying if he would be healthy and the long drive back and forth from Children's everyday definitely took a toll on me.  And after he came home it was really hard to manage his needs and Emily's needs while trying to stay calm.  But I held it together the best I could, I didn't feel depressed just a little overwhelmed, I was basically running on adrenaline.

Two weeks ago, out of the blue, I had a full blown panic attack.  I felt like I was going insane, I couldn't breathe, I was vomiting, sweating, shaking uncontrollably- the thoughts in my head were beyond scary.  Panic attacks are something that I don't think can be fully understood unless you've experienced one.  I thought it was just a one time thing but the next night the same thing happened. Steve took me to the ER so that I could get medication to calm down.  They gave me anxiety medication and a phone number to a local behavioral health office.  I got an appointment the next week and was put on an anti-depressant.  I'm still taking the medication and I don't feel like myself yet, but I'm working on it.  

When I call the office and say I feel worse or I'm having a particularly hard day, my doctor tells me that it takes 4-6 weeks for the medications to work and that it will get worse before it gets better.  Somehow these words aren't comforting when I wake up with anxiety almost every morning and I am barely able to take care of my babies.

What I'm doing to get better:

-  Surrounding myself with (amazing) people who care and want to help.  Steve has been working from home and helping me with the kids, he is a special kind of husband for sure.  I know I won the lottery when I found him.  His parents have also been beyond helpful.  They take the kids when they know we need a break, they even keep Gavin overnight when we need them to. I can't thank them enough.

-  Therapy (professional and otherwise).  I've been going to therapy once a week and it helps. My therapist has basically told me that I went through a serious trauma and all of my emotions that I had shut down while Gavin was in the hospital are catching up to me now. It also helps so much to talk to friends and family who have been through similar situations.  Their pep talks usually leave me feeling like I can handle almost anything.

-  Daycare.  Emily has started going to day care 3 times a week.  This is very hard for me.  I'm learning to let go of some control and I'm telling myself this is good for her and for me. 

-  Acupuncture and Reiki.  I have always been a fan of acupuncture, it has worked for me in many ways, so I'm trying it for my anxiety.  I had my first treatment this weekend and I felt so great afterward.  I go for my first Reiki treatment on Tuesday and I am excited to try it.

-  Walking,  Every day I try to get out for a walk.  It calms my mind and it's always good to breathe in the fresh air.

The hardest thing I face everyday is the guilt I feel.  I feel guilty that Steve is working from home and not getting as much done as he needs to.  I feel guilty that I can't take care of my babies like I used to be able to.  I feel guilty that Steve's parents have to help as much as they do, and I feel guilty that Emily is at daycare while I am home, not working. 

Some days I feel hopeless and I feel like a burden on my family and I feel like I should be stronger than this.  But I am trying my hardest to be positive and hopeful.  I want so badly to feel like myself again and to be able to be a good wife and mother.  

I just keep telling myself I will get better....for them.

March Madness (not the basketball kind)

Well blogging is not high on the priority list lately, even though I miss it and wish I could do it more often....kind of like showering but- 2 kids under 2.

So, here's a photo dump post of everything we did in March- enjoy!  Let me just point out my lack of real clothing or having my hair done is my new normal because- 2 kids under 2.

My birthday- isn't it crazy the older you get the harder it is to remember what birthday you are celebrating?  We ate cake and it was fantastic.

nice hair

Snow days and spring-ish days in the same week

St. Patrick's Day-  no green beer this year but two cuties in green definitely made up for that.

This is what it's like trying to get a picture with both kids....too funny not to share. 
Emily's face says it all.

Gavin is 2 months old (already?!)  he is the best baby, I can't complain.  He is a big boy and loves to eat, he's sleeping pretty well- some days are better than others, and he loves cuddling.  I need to do a whole post on this but that might not happen for awhile.

Miss Emily is 17 months and she's still as funny & feisty as ever. Girlfriend is tall, 34.5 inches and she's starting to say a few words.  She's obsessed with Mickey Mouse and her books.  She's warming up to Gavin and I love watching it.

And here are some of my random favorites from this month

thank you, thank you, thank you

I have some of the best friends I've never met.  Seriously.  You guys are amazing.

I wish there was a way for me to thank each and every one of you in person. Wouldn't that be the best?

I know I have said it before, but this community is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I have "met" some wonderful people, even some true friends that I talk to almost daily.  You all have been here with me for the ups and downs and this time you have outdone yourselves. 

I came home one day after visiting Gavin and I was having a really hard time.  It was one of the rougher days I had been through in our time there.  Gavin had just had surgery, I couldn't hold him, I hadn't seen his eyes since he was born, and I felt helpless and scared.  When I got home, there was a package from my sweet friend Kelly.  I read her card and saw all the goodies she had sent us and I smiled for the first time in days. 

And the next day there was another package from Heather and the next day, from Liz.  And the packages kept coming.  Almost every single day.  It was like getting a huge hug every time I opened one.

The cards had such great words of encouragement.  And the packages had wonderful, thoughtful things inside for me & Steve, for Emily, and for Gavin. 

And Steve said each time, "Is that from another blogger?"  And the answer was always, "Yes."

I later found out that Kelly and Heather had orchestrated this whole thing.  I love you both, you know that, this was such a special thing you did and I will never forget it. Ever.

It is wonderful that so many of you took the time out of your day to think of us, put a package together and send it all this way.  Steve, Emily, Gavin and I honestly can't thank you enough for everything!

Heather
Kelly
Fiona
Steph
Kalyn
Liz
Courtney
Josey
Shannon
Sarah
Jen
Amanda
Oak

We also received a beautiful angel for Gavin and a stuffed animal for Emily from this amazing group of gals.  The angel was delivered to Gavin's room one of the first nights we were there and stayed with him until he came home.  Thank you so much girls, I love you all!

Natalie
Oak
BU
Kelly
E
Amanda