Today I called to make our final payment on our IVF procedure….there’s no turning back now (as if we would even think about turning back). Tomorrow is our base line ultrasound and injection teaching. I’m excited about this visit because everything will seem more “real”. Right now all we have is a bunch of paper work, my bag o’ drugs (that I have no clue what to do with) and my imagination (believe me- it’s running wild). I remember being a little girl with my dolls, playing house and knowing that when I grew up I’d be a mom to a real baby. I thought having a baby would be easy; so many people do it so why would I be any different? But after you can’t “just do it” it affects every part of your life. Every month becomes strictly scheduled- counting days, peeing on ovulation predictor kits, timing intimacy, getting blood tests, peeing on home pregnancy tests, negative….repeat next month. You start to feel like less of a woman; you start to become depressed and distance yourself from friends, all you see is pregnant women and couples with babies, you start to wonder- why can’t I have a baby when it seems like everyone else can? I’ve asked myself a million times, what if God doesn’t want me to be a mom?
Well….I’m going to put up one hell of a fight.