Monday, May 16, 2011

past...present...future

Steve and I talked this weekend about how much we've been through since we were married and how it's a miracle that we are still standing today and that we got our wish.  We are 17w4d pregnant.

Past...
When you've lost two babies in five months and gone through one exhausting infertility treatment after another you start to lose who you are.  Not a lot of people understand the stress and the feelings of fear and failure that come with infertility- it is vicious.  I know now, after looking back, how depressed I was during that time.  I was in denial, I was angry, I was scared to death that we wouldn't have a baby. I was buried in blood tests, OPK's, RE visits, IUI's, negative pregnancy tests, hormone injections and IVF. In all honesty, when I was in the thick of it I didn't care what happened outside my door except for our visits to the RE's office.  I didn't care about work, I didn't care who I saw, I didn't care if I ever left my house again.  I wasn't myself,  I was in the depths of trying everything I could to be a mother.  When I think back on that time, I thank God for Steve.  He did an amazing job of pulling me back up to the surface from time to time and making me feel normal. He was tiptoeing into uncharted waters everyday and never knew which of my moods he would encounter but he was always there for me with something positive to say. 

Present...
We are pregnant, we are excited, we are grateful.  I'm still trying to get myself back, I feel like I'm almost there.  I'm trying not to be scared every day, some days are better than others. I'm trying to mend all that was neglected during my treatments, but a few things will probably never be the same.  I am healing emotionally and physically one day at a time.

Future...
I don't know what our future will bring... but we've been through a great deal and I pray the best is yet to come.

9 comments:

  1. Wow... amazing. So much of what you said about your past is exactly where I find myself. I love that your blog always gives me the hope of the future.

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  2. Is IS so easy to lose yourself in infertility. I thank God everyday for J, my family and friend family for making sure I know just how much I am loved- baby or no baby. I'm so glad you can look back and appreciate how far you've come in your journey! Thanks for your comment and prayers! XO!

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  3. I'm so happy for you and your family. I pray for a safe, happy pregnancy and a happy, healthy baby! :)

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  4. I believe IF changes us forever...and although it might not seem like it at the time, it's for the better :)

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  5. It's such a wonderful feeling to share... I am glad that you and Steve love each other and support each other and are still standing strong after all you've been through.

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  6. You have been through a lot. Here's hope for a healthy pregnancy with a sweet baby girl in your arms in the end.

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  7. Beautifully said! I can say for certainly that your future will bring many happy memories as a family that will remind you of how selfless you were in order to bring a life into this world. I agree with Amanda that we will forever be changed- the wonderful news for you is that you get to use your success and journey to help others and be the best mom you can be :) Happy happy happy for you!
    Here's to Hines staying on DWTS tonight!! I really want him to win!

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  8. You have been through so much and I hope the future is full of many, many blessings!

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  9. Reading your posting today made me tear up, because I could have written this myself. IF does change us, but I think it also makes us love and cherish every minute of our pregnancies and those that love us that much more too, and aware of what a miracle it is to be where we are at now! I am so grateful that I can walk with you through your journey and I hope and pray you have a safe and healthy rest of your pregnancy. You are lookin' good... love the belly bump !!

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